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May 26th, 2007
Long Time, No Rant...
Y Hello Thar,
So yeah... soooo much has happened, I don't know where to begin. The car is fixed ( yay!) but now the back tires keep slowly deflating ( boo.) but at least it's still running well enough. I'm still working on getting my Mate here to the 'States on the K-1. We finally sent out the paperwork on April 14th. We'd have had it done sooner, but the damned stuff is so technical and required a lot more footwork than we'd originally guessed. So yeah... still waiting to even get my receipt and tracking number from them to know if they've even STARTED processing it. I know they cashed my $170 check only a week after we received confirmation that the package arrived in Texas. It has to go from there to California and then it will start processing. Too bad you can only request pick-up confirmation ONCE on an item, but at least we were that smart. Otherwise, we'd not know anything. : /
I've been to more parties since I've moved here than I think I've ever attended in my whole life!! It's a small group of friends, but we do get together and have some hellacious fun. One guy in the group is in the process of brewing his own beer!! Yeah... we do our partying right. :D
Anywho, not sure how much I talked about this here, but the Momma-drama I was experiencing with my family breaking up and me in the middle is long past. Things are even settling down between the two of THEM, so... ya know... all for the better and whatnot. So another plus for me. I do miss my family though... and I miss living out in the country. Oh well. Can't beat the convenience of city living. Maybe buying a nice farmy-type place on the outskirts of a nice-sized town is what I need someday... hmmm....
Bah... I'm getting side-tracked. So yeah, my cat had kittens and they are all given away but two now. One I want to keep and one that no one seems to want because she's what most would consider 'plain'. Nothing fancy or even 'so ugly it's cute' about her. I worry that she will never find a good home. I certainly can't keep her. This bothers me deeply. It's not her fault she was the plainest of the bunch. : / I'm also sending the mother cat, my sweet lil' Stella-kitty, to live at my mom's place. She's not adapted well to apartment living and I'm getting tired of her soiling the carpets in every corner of my house with her 'displeasure' at her current living situation. I love her to death, but I can't afford to live in an apartment that'd need to be fumigated every other month!!! O__o;;
My old school friend, Brenna, and I are thick as theives. It's amazing to think that we've known each other for 16 years. That easily makes her the longest-standing friend I've ever had. Granted, we had our falling out in our middleschool years... but damn, it's so good to have her back in my life. I'm very thankful for that. And we just keep getting closer and closer. So that's another nice thing that's been influencing my levels of 'happy'. : )
The apartment is looking great. I've been gardening... setting out potted flowers and some tomato plants. I'm fortunate that the apartment we were set up in has some great sunlight AND shaded areas, so I have a lot of variety I can work with. I've also been working on learning how to grow aquatic plants and have set up my very first planted aquarium. It's quite lovely and I'm very proud. ^___^
Other than that, I've been working hard as of late to reconnect with people whom I've allowed to fall on the wayside since I moved up here. I've let my relationships with many of my friends and family members go to seed while I've been wrapped up in myself and my own freedom... and also with coping with the stresses, anxieties and depression of living completely alone for the first time in my life. It was tough, but I'm coming to terms with it a lot better these days. Of course, my new gym routine is helping drastically with this process. The work-out helps a lot with my stress and tension and it's a positive way to release this. Certainly beats binge-shopping and pigging out on half-frozen cookie-dough. :P
So yeah, for those of you who have been missing me... God, please know I never stopped thinking about you and I did miss you all very much. It sucks not having my own internet access, but it's what I have to do in order to save every penny I can so Caz can be here with me. But I'm making an effort to reach out to people I haven't talked to and reconnect. You are all important to me and I have missed you, too. ~ <3
So... until next time. (which I promise won't be so long in coming!)
Feelin' Strangely Fine...
Current Music: 'Umbrella' ~ Rihanna
January 25th, 2006
To Suit or Not to Suit.... What Was the Question?
Its late morning over here. Again, I find myself pondering what it is about my fello Furry kin and their floofery, fuzzerful fursuits that makes me want one of my own. Silly, that a 'suit has this effect. I was once one to look upon them with alienated fascination, certain that it was one aspect of our culture I would never adopt. But nowadays, it seems only natural to curl up in a hot, stuffy mascot-thingy and dance about happily. Why is this? Is it a compulsion to feel a bit of normalcy in your animal spirit? Does it tire of an endless parade of wool and cotton and polyester barely hiding this naked, ape-like frame? Or is it something more? Certainly, no such compulsion to grab another Furry in a suit and get it on has seized me. There is little of a Fetish involved. Its more just the fun and good humor of a Fur prancing about in a skin that resembles them as closely as possible. Thankfully, my mate Casimer is perfectly happy with me 'suiting up. Unfortunately, I'm having issues with the lack of privacy in my current place of dwelling. I've even thought of possibly buying something out of my own species just so I could 'validate' wearing it (I was thinking a stag costume for the Antlers DeerFestival and Outdoor Show)
Admittedly, in highschool it was always a dream of mine to crawl into that Buffalo mascot suit and pull pranks out on the field like mascots should. It always irritated me to see the mascot just standing around, mostly with its buffalo head off so it could chat with its cheerleader friends on the sidelines. Where was our Mascot? Dance, cheer, wiggle about.... at least put yer damned HEAD on!! And why not me? The girl wearing it was simply the cheerleader in the squad who was to chubby to wear the cheer uniforms (her mother was friends with the squad coach... go figure. Things always amount to how much money you've got and how many strings you can pull in small towns like mine) I didn't see why they let her be our beloved Buff if she wasn't going to do anything with that privelege. Unfortunately, I always arrived too late in the fall when returning to school. I'd end up missing the Cheer (and mascot) try-outs. Boo for me. v_v,
So perhaps the secret desire of 'suiting was always with me? Or am I just entering a phase? Regardless, having little to no access to the necessary equipment, sewing skills, and supplies... and being on a strict budget due to other more important issues (and believe me, they are NECESSARY) I doubt I'll be able to indulge my fantasy anytime soon. But perhaps its better to purchase such an expensive item after having the time to think it over, rather than by impulse, yes? Still, I already have many ideas in mind for my costume and I am certain that once I begin, I'll have something rather special on my paws. :D
What about you, my dedicated (and non-existent) readers? I'm sure if you're reading this... you may well be a Fur yourself. Ever had any urges to 'suit? Have one of your own? What is it like?
Well, I believe that'll be all. I'm booking my flight tonight. Leaving on Friday evening for sure this time. *sigh* Though I am ready to go home and be in America again... I don't want to leave Caz behind here. *ponders stuffing him in a suitcase and smuggling him back into the country* Meh... no can do. I'll just have to wait until June to see him again. Prepare for some intense whining for the next five months or so. I know there will be days where I'll be positively MISERABLE without him. Thank god I don't have anyone reading this or I'd lose my following for sure! There's enough whining and crying in places like this without me adding to the drama, no?
Well, I'm gonna scoot for now. I just got done wolfing down two plates of French Toast before I logged on(made it myself... yum!) and I think I'll go see if Casimer wants to play a game or something. Gotta make the best of each day at this point, right? *sighs even more, ears drooping sadly* So this is goodbye for now.
Current Music: Sublevel 03 ~ 'Touch of Pink'
January 21st, 2006
My Fuss with Shadow of the Colossus... SpoilZorZ!!1!11
Well, Caz and I finished SotC last night........
What. A. Freakin'. Disappointment.
First of all, they toss Eggroll off a cliff (Agro, the horse...but does it not sound like he's shouting 'eggroll' in a bad Japanese accent? XD) and then you fight this boss battle, which admittedly was rather hard to figure out. I mean, poke this to get the dude to touch that so you can run here, climb there, and stab this? Its a wonder anyone figures this shit out. They certainly didn't want it to be easy on you... but I suppose the end battle is supposed to be freakin' HARD.
But at last, you stabbity-stab the symbol on his noggin, kill him dood, then absorb the hentai tentacle thingies and pass out. CUE FREAKIN' LONG VIDEO. And if you are as frustrated as I am with the Japanese and their habit of enjoying extremely confusing, convoluted, and washy plot-lines, you'll be as upset about it as I was. Its like they take PERVERSE PLEASURE in telling you as little as possible about what the EFF is goin' on!!
Mysterious boy... brings mysterious girl to an altar. Is it a love interest? Best friend? Sister? Who knows... she's dead and this mysterious beam of light tells you to revive her, you must go kill these 16 hulking beasties that wander aimlessly about in this 'Cursed and Sealed Land'. Oooookay... you think that certainly after a few kills, they will reveal something of the plot or characters, right? WRONG!!!! A few scenes of him pining at the altar tell you nothing, then its off to kill s'more colossi. What's with them anyways? The symbols you kill 'em with... the weird smokey tendrils that come outta them when they die and which then thoroughly VIOLATE your belly-button, transporting you back to the temple... and then, there's those creepy shadows that start looming about you. A new shadow each time you kill a colossi. WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!
Then, there's the 'Thy Next Foe Is...' shit. Don't get me started on the failing of proper grammatical structure... or how half of those explanations make no freakin' sense when it comes to actually locating and killing the bastards. So why bother? Why not just say 'Thy Next Foe Is The *insert Colossus's nickname... or just the number it is*' Why the supposedly 'cryptic' messages? Sorry, I just wasn't impressed. At all.
Then, the final vid where you hope to find out who the hell HE is, who the hell SHE is, and what the hell is going on. You don't get much. Something about sacred lands and bringing together the 16 pieces of some sort of evil and blah blah blah. Then for whatever reason, you become a sort of colossus yourself and you even get to control him! Not that this is very gratifying... the little dudes are too fast for you and you can't see anything very well because you're freakin' huge and move too damn slow. They squeak by and another vid begins. Why bother with giving you control??? What's the damned point??? Why not just make that into an awesome video where you can actually see what you look like as the shadowy evil thing??? I'll never know...
So they toss your sword into the pool in that area with the spiral staircase and WHOOOMP!! There's a great sucking void now. It syphons off your demon body and you're left as you again. Once more, those sadistic bastards give you control and you struggle lamely against the sucking winds to no avail. Yo ass is dead and you might as well just leap in the damned pool. Fighting is useless. Again, I'm left to ponder... OMGWTFBBQ???
At last, you are gone. The d00ds that defeated you destroy the bridge out of the 'Cursed Lands' and say something about how you may atone for your sins if there was any possibility you survived. Some credits roll where you get to see the decomposing bodies of the colossi...Teh end... BUT NOES!!1!!1//1
Old chick wakes up!! Eggroll limps into the temple (YaY! He lived!) and he guides her to the pool, which is now sealed in stone... with a horned baby in the middle. WHAAAAT?!?!? I guess this is you. They go out into a wooded area and then its like freakin' Disney with the cute little woodland critters unfearingly coming along to check out da babeh and da chiXors wit da Horsie, then the birds fly off into the sky and you follow the falcony bird (remember himfrom the beginning?... and when he'd be tailing along with you as you rode your horse in the fields sometimes?) Yeah, then the REAL credits begin rolling and he flies up high, you get a panoramic view of the sky suddenly growing dark and stormy to one side and then... cue black screen with END in simple, small white letters. And then even MORE credits, if I remember correctly. I dunno. I sorta stopped watching from there.
But hooray, now you get to have TIMED BATTLES with all the colossi all over again. And this time, if you make the times, you get nifty stuff to help with the other battles!! How sucky... they decide to give you helpful stuff AFTER the game is technically over. Whatever. Up until now, all you could look forward to helping you was the fruit in the trees that gave you health and the lizards (especially the white-tailed ones) that helped your clinging stamina. Like I said, what a FREAKIN' disappointment.
Admittedly, the scenery couldn't be beat. It was visually stunning in a hundred different ways. From forests to mountains to canyons with waterfalls and dark misty mudflats with spouting geysers and lush swampy lake edges and dry, dusty desert sandscapes. All manner of ruins and temples and colloseums are laying in spendid ruin for your visual enjoyment. And the colossi themselves... spectacular. I think that a couple of them were lame in that they copied the same design for both, but other than that, they are brilliant to just stand and behold... if you can. Certainly very satisfying to slay and defeat... though a bit sad, too. To just ride up and kill something that was minding its own business until I came along is a sad prospect to me.
But in my personal opinion, smaller details could've been better done. Like the characters and the horse. Especially the hair graphics!! I saw better horses in GUN (fun game, btw) and better character design. I mean, if they're gonna bother with making the scenery so spectacular, why not the characters? I know they could've done better than that... but then again, I'm no game designer either. Just a nitpicky artist. Perhaps the poor character quality was necessary to have more room for the scenery graphics. I'll never know. Also, Caz fumed constantly over the screen control and how annoying the angles could be at times as far as combat and viewing went. He hated having to toggle the screen so much, especially when a Colossus was trying to stomp his body into a fine patte at the same time!
Still, Caz's opinion was that it was a highly enjoyable, if occasionally frustrating game. But he's not annoyed by the lack of decent plot-line like I am...I'd say its good for a 5 day rental if you have nothing important to do for 5 days (not because it's bad or just a boredom-killer...it can be awfully complex and difficult and would need time to figure out without checking out spoilers and cheats) But I don't think its worth buying for yourself... at least not until its cheaper to purchase or you've made up your own mind about whether or not you REALLY want it. I'd say its worth runs in the $10-20 range as far as that is concerned. Well, that's it for my rant. I just had to share my fuss over that game. I had been so adamant about Caz buying it so we could play because I'd heard such good things about it... so I was let down quite a bit by it. Caz is of the opinion that it was good and I'm simply missing something about it. Oh well... ^_^;
Anywho, that's it for my spoilers. Its looking like I'll be staying in Holland a little longer, due to my illness and infection. Whatta way to try and stay, eh? ^__^;; Not the best idea, but its not like I planned it, either. Regardless, I'll keep you posted, as always.
Current Music: Semisonic ~ 'Never You Mind'
January 20th, 2006
Why Wild Animals and Vehicles Don't Mix....
Well, today I decided to take my happy arse out of the comforts of my Mate's den and go about on bicycle to pick up some goodies for my best friend. She married in October and was pregnant at the time with a little boy I affectionately call Lil Will. I'm head over heels for this baby even though I've scarcely felt so much as a kick or nudge from him yet. Unfortunately, since my flight got set back, I missed her first baby shower. So I wanted some goodies to give her for her second shower... the 'Welcome Will' Shower. I figured what says 'unique' like baby goodies that scream 'I'm foreign and exotic' right? So I bagged some lovely bibs, a precious wool jacket, and a onesie/head cap/bootie set. I also picked up my little 'cowpoke' a cute little western-style horsie rattle. I spent too much, but I can't help myself when it comes to Will. His mom's even taken to calling me his 'Fairy Godmother' when I jokingly monickered myself as such on his Christmas gift. He's due to be born in March, so you'll hear plenty more about him before its all over, I'm sure. But what does this have to do with Furries and Vehicles? Enough, believe me...
Caz forgets so easily that my pampered American booty isn't accustomed to using bikes as a main trasnport. He also forgets to mention the HUGE difference in traffic laws and customs between Europe and the States. When I would bike around during my summer vacations in Indianapolis, I remembered that it was considered dangerous to ride on the roads with traffic and one was expected to ride on the sidewalks as much as possible to avoid autos. Over here, Bicycles have their own little lanes on most mainstreets and also sport their own specific traffic signs. And of course, there are a mutlitude of 'understood rules' that aren't exactly printed on your bike when you pull it from the garage. Still, ever confident that I'll get the hang of it through DOING it, my beloved Caz hands me a bi-wheeled NIGHTMARE and we proceed onto our joyride.
Understand that I loved my bike in Indy... and I didn't expect it to be so different from American biking... or surely Caz would've said as much, right? Well, soon enough I'm having mild panic attacks as cars and motorbikes whizz by and my eyes fall longingly on sidewalks devoid of crazy Dutch drivers. Then there was the horror of every intersection we'd come across. Does the bike over to my right have the rightaway... or do I? What about that person walking their dog at my left. Who goes first? Caz breezes loftily thru before the two come up into the intersection, so I'm left to speed up and weave about to catch up with him. Unnerving enough, right? Well lets add a glitchy chainspokes, cars and traffic to the situation. I go to push off from the sidewalk where we'd been held by a red light and there's a front bumper close enough to me that I can see it from the corner of my eye. I'm so nervous I can't get to a proper start, made worse by his false starts as he presumes I'll quickly be on my way. I dart through, dress Caz down about how scary it is for me and how I don't feel I know what I'm doing and he lets us walk the bikes the rest of the way until its safer. I'm not quite put at ease just yet.
So we do our baby shopping. Caz really got into the baby clothes and gave good opinions and helped me to keep track of how much I was spending. I was happy to see he wasn't just huffing about outside the store, but participating and even somewhat enjoying the whole ordeal. Merrily, we split for a bit so I can browse the local petshop while he checks out a Videogame store just opposite me. Then, its off to home... and as we step out of the shopping mall-like StadHart (town square of sorts) and toward our bikes, we realise its been drizzling a frigid rain. This only serves to deepen my anxiety as I realise my vision will now be impaired. I'm still shaken up from the incident with the car before, but I put on a brave face and plow forward. Three minutes into the ride, we are gliding off the bike-lot and off the curb to the parking lot when this van begins to pull out. Caz smartly swerves between the gap in the curb and the van bumper once the gent stops moving backward. Feeling skittish about being left behind, I try to dart through myself. Unfortunately, the man didn't see me and continued backing out, leaving little room for me to pass. To make matters worse, my chain bucks a bit, throwing off my pedals enough that I can't brake in time. So as I go flying into the reversing van's side bumper, I can't help but mutter the ever classic "Oh Shit."
WHAM!! I strike the corner of the van with my thigh and left arm and bounce off, tottering over and skipping a bit along the curb. Shaken and hurt, my instinct is to flee from that which had just harmed and scared me so. My eyes lift to see the 'gent' is some guy about my age... on a cellphone. He hastily finishes his call and rolls down the side window and barks some startled Dutch at me, which I catch enough of to know he was asking if I was hurt. Just wanting to leave, I tell him I'm fine and after a few 'Are you Sure?' queries... which he so nicely spoke in English (noticing I'd spoken to him as such) He went along his merry way and I waggled my bike back into balance and joined my stricken Mate. I was near breathless with panic at the sound of vehicles or the feel of the chain bucking from then on. I was so rattled and I couldn't stop crying, which only made seeing worse, considering the drizzle had gotten much worse. My thighs felt like blocks of ice and I was miserably shaken on that horrid rattletrap with the clanking and clunking at random intervals to let me know its chain wasn't doing so well. Regardless, we ended up walking the last three blocks or so because I couldn't handle anymore bike riding.
Caz whisked me upstairs, helped me pull off my wet clothes and set them up to dry while I tucked under the covers on his bed. He scolded me for scolding myself. I felt like such a chicken for acting like I did over a little bumper-bump like that. He assured me I was brave and he apologized for putting me in that situation and letting me get hurt. And after many self-accusations of sending me home bruised and scared and not wanting that to be my last memory of Holland, he brewed me a hot cup of tea and brought me some chocolates and fussed over me in-general until dinnertime. I'd thawed enough at that point to go and eat, but my apetite wasn't with me. I ate a few bites of his father's Indonesian Beef Ket Jap and poked at my rice before retiring to bed without dessert. And I haven't felt good since. My shoulders hurt more than anything. The collision didn't hurt me badly, though... scared me more than anything. But I did dress Caz down a bit more for taking me out on the road when I knew NOTHING of the rules of the road when it came to bikes in the Netherlands. I think he got the hint. No more bikeriding 'til I know what the heck I'm doing out there. :P He whole-heartedly agreed.
But, because of my rather puny state, and my promise to Dr. Wilcox at the Cancer Treatment Center to get my bloodwork taken everytime I felt like this, my flight may be delayed for medical reasons... again. I feel I'm coming down with an infection and I'm showing signs of my immune system being low. I already called my work and explained my situation. Thank the Good Powers I have such an understanding boss!! He honestly just wants for me to get better... ^__^ I just hope he continues to feel this way. Its like I don't want to leave... but I want this medical mess to be OVER WITH so I won't have to be sick AND on a plane flying away from my Cazzie-wuffer. Is that so much to ask? Yeesh!! :P
I suppose part of me getting better would be getting more sleep... so I guess I should cut this off right here. Give me the chance and I'll talk yer ears off, I tell you! Well regardless, to my nonexistent viewers, I wish you a fond adieu and I'll keep in touch. I'm thinking of meatloaf and mashed 'taters for my next cullinary feat. I wonder how they will react to THAT?? :D Goede nacht met tot zeins, mijn vrienden!!
Current Music: Fuel ~ "Bad Day"
January 19th, 2006
Good Evening Schmoo,
Closer and closer to going home.... can we say 'kicking and screaming'? I'm finally getting the hang of this Dutch language and now I have to go back home and be too busy to even scratch my ass, let alone study inaccurate parrotings from a 'Learn in 3 Months' book and CD set. And this isn't even mentioning the separation from my Mate. But alas, listen to me wussing and fussing like a angsty little thirteen-year-old. What a turd am I.
I decided to make dinner for the family tonight. Fettucini Alfredo with fresh cream and hand-grated parmesan cheese with chicken I sauteed first in garlic and extra-virgin olive oil with Basil essence. It was generously poured over a lovely semolina and spinach fettucini pasta, accompanied by my now internationally famous greek feta and artichoke salad with home-made basil balsalmic vinaigrette, and fresh steamed, fork-tender snow peas. Aaaahhhh.... ^.^ I was going to make a fresh sugarcream pie to go with it, but Caz's father had already fashioned a lovely Semolina pudding served over Italian butter cookies dressed in Amaretto. Sounds divine, right?
Well... it was except for the fact that I'm not quite hip on Metric-to-Standard conversions and the sauce was shy 1/2 cup cheese and about 1/2 tsp more salt. It was bland and too 'cream' flavored in my opinion. I was quite unhappy with it. Thankfully, they've had my alfredo sauce when its at its best (granted, it was a year ago)and tonight was just a bland occasion for all involved. But the salad was adored by Caz's father, who's cooking I rather admire. Caz has a very picky family. He has a restricted diet because of poor health when he was young. His older brother is just a nitpicky S.O.B. anyways... and a junkfood junkie on top of that. His younger bro doesn't like cheese much, the mom isn't too impressed by pasta, and only Henk and Caz enjoy vegetables... well, other than me of course. It makes for a tough crowd to cook for.
Regardless, I was happy to see he enjoyed my salad (enough that I caught him munching the half-soggy remainders for a midnight snack, even!) Nothing makes you feel better than accomplishing something nice. I think that is why I like cooking so much. Food is a bodily necessity... its also a source of great pleasure. I think home cooked meals are a great accomplishment anymore and the reward is an hour or two of 'Mmmmm's and smiling faces and full tummies and if you're lucky... compliments. There's so much about cooking that in my opinion is just good for the soul. It can be stressful if you let it get to you, but if you know your way around and relax... its just magical to lose yourself in stirring, measuring, sampling, with all the smells and flavors at your control. And in the end... PRESTO!! A delicious (and hopefully nutricious) meal is on the table. I guess I'm old-fashioned in that I feel that a woman who can't cook and never tries to is harldy a woman at all. Like I've said in my BIO, I'm a bit of a bumpkin like that.
Regardless, I took a hard look at my summer photos and was saddened to see how much fuller my face and frame have grown to be. You want to believe the scales betrayed you when you see you gained back the 35 pounds you fought so hard to lose. But you can't deny photos, now can you? So I've decided that when I get home, I'll begin exercising more and eating right and see about losing that 35 again... and maybe lose another 45 while I'm at it. Caz adores me just as I am... but I want to be healthy, not skinny. There is a difference, IMO. If I finally feel healthy and I still have thick thighs, a big ass, and some tummy left on me then so be it. But at least I'd be more energetic and have more vitality than I do now, right?
So when I get home... to add to the general depression I'll be facing =/ ... I'll step on the scale and start reporting back to myself on my LJ about my progress. I'll try to keep it in its own paragraph, for those who don't care to read about whether this chubby wuffy can see her toes or not. :P But hell, if you didn't give a rip, you wouldn't be reading this now would you? Meh, regardless I figure its better to plan for Caz's eventual arrival than moan and cry about my departure. I plan to lose a least 35-40 pounds between now and when I see him again (we're thinking in 5-6 months). Anything over and above that will be gravy ^.^ Perhaps focusing on this will empower me more and keep my mind off him not being here. Afterall, I may not be self-conscious about my body... but I am self-conscious about dieting in front of my honey... so my excuse can be that its the perfect opportunity to surprise him with a slimmer, sexier me!
But as always, I should note for those of you who may be peeking in on my exponentially dull blog that I'm not doing this for him. I don't have to. And even if he asked me to, I'd never do it just for him. I'm doing it for ME. MEMEME. I am tired of feeling weighed down and tired and not being able to buy cute clothes or wear them how I want to because of my big tummy and my floppy arms and my wiggly thighs. I'm tired of being breathless because I walked up a single flight of stairs or even just for walking up a slight incline. I'm just plain tired of being breathless. Period. I want to be healthy. I had a lapse this fall and I paid for it by losing all the ground I gained. Now its time to take control of the field again. Casimer loves me just like I am and he thinks I'm pretty just as I am... why not take such a sweet, sensitive guy out on bike rides in the park or out hiking on nature trails? Why not take a vacation to the Grand Canyon? Climb a mountain? Or just play fetch together in the yard? Why not look sexier in my bathing suit? Play more games of 'Chicken' with me on top? I think I'm ready for this, y'know?
Okay okay... enough about my Fat Battle-Cry... back to me in general. I'm good and I'm feeling so much more artistic and expressive these days. I hope that work doesn't throw me back into a slump. If it does, I may have to find alternative employment. If I have to choose between my artistic inspiration and pulling a paycheck... well... I'll figure out how to buy more paints somehow :P But seriously, I've gone that route before and I don't ever want to feel like I've lost my touch again because a job has me so stressed, I'm losing hair and grinding teeth every night. Heh heh... and I bet you think that's an exaggeration. Its not.
Ooooh, off-topic!! I've been reading the works of Brian Jacques and I must say that though I want to slap the characters 9/10ths of the time for being too sappy and cute, I must say they are great Furry reading material... unless you foxxers and ferrets are insulted at the prospect of being the badguys, of course. The first one is agonizing to read through, but they seem to be getting better as Brian writes them. I'm on the third book at this point, which is nothing in comparison to the odd dozen books or so that he's accomplished so far. Admittedly, they are drastically below my reading level, almost being more suited for young readers than someone my age, but I begrudgingly add that they have been QUITE addictive. For me at least. Worth renting... wouldn't say buy unless you're sure you like the stuff. If you rent from the library, I'd suggest looking into some of his later books. REDWALL was very saccarine and childish to the extreme, considering what it was about. :P Anywho, back to me talking the good and bad about going home...
I will be thrilled that I'll soon see my sweet little pups again. I've been missing Roxie and Toby like mad-crazy for the last week and a half. (read my BIO if you're baffled) I can't wait to go home and wash and groom them and cuddle them to pieces. I know my mother's basically left them outside most of the time I've been gone and I'm afraid they may have developed matts. I really hope that won't be the case!! My little angels... I'm sure they will be a lot of my support group when I go home. Nothing beats the love and devotion and amazingly inspiring lack of self-pity that dogs have. And my cat? Well... he'll be his usual dragqueen self, and I practically quote: " *rubrub* Who loveth kitty? Who loveth kitty? Are those your shoes? *barfs in them* Who loveth kitty? *rubrub* "
Alas, it is late... and I feel I've spent enough time talking to you. I think I'll spend some time talking with Caz while we still have time to do so. Only three more precious days. I'll be reserving my return flight tonight here shortly, since its around 4 or 5 in the evening back home. So this is goodnight.
Current Music: Tom McRae ~ "Mermaid Blues"
January 16th, 2006
Monday Mornin' Rain is Fallin'....
Okay, so maybe it isn't... its a perfectly bright and sunshiney beginning to the day, actually. So why am I blue? The fact that my vacation will soon be over. You see, I'm not in the States currently. I'm off and away in The Netherlands with my Mate, Casimer. When I leave this Saturday, it will be the last I see of him until late in the summer, or so we are presuming. We're still working at that whole immigration thing, but this time, we have to work on being more financially stable before we try taking any steps with this. As it is, Caz lost a lot of cash trying last time and we're both sitting on fairly empty savings accounts. *sigh* How do you choose between being with the one you love... and saving up for a future together when he finally CAN be here? I swear, people these days don't even bother to take a moment and appreciate the gift of their loved one being beside them.
People marry for dumb reasons, then divorce for even stupider ones. No thought into what true love is or how the trials and tribulations of a relationship are like the tempering of steel, they either fold and melt you or they make you stronger than you could ever imagine. I think that goes double for my sweetie and I. Upon recounting our strenuous two years we've spent head over heels with one another and what we've gone thru for the sake of loving each other, most people are amazed. *shrugs* We've got a good thing, he and I.
We just compliment one another and understand each others quirks... even to the point of playing off of one another perfectly. I think its the fact that we put trust, communication, and love for each other high on our list of priorities for the day. I never pass up a chance to give him a small reassuring touch or a warm welcoming smile. We also realise that its better to talk about problems while they are small so they don't become a big dramatic issue. We get mad and we have our bad days and occasionally hurt each others feelings... like any other couple... but the good thing is when the moment of sour feelings passes, we're there to talk about it with each other and resolve any further issues. I'm loved unconditionally and just the way I am... which is far from perfect. He's been one of my best friends for... hell... almost five years now. And he was 'best friend material' the minute I met him online. And I think that as long as you're each other's best friend and as long as there's always a little love there between you its possible to make any situation work. My grandparent's secret to being happily married for over 60 years now was simply this: "We just never fell out of love at the same time."
Simple enough, right? I don't believe in divorce. I've always known what I wanted in my Mate and I set my standards higher as I went (in the beginning, I was very insecure and self-conscious). And I never took a partner that felt like I was settling for second-best. What is the point of investing in a relationship that you won't be happy in? I figure the relationships one enters into fall into two main categories: ones that end in break-up and ones that end in marriage. Now of course, the break-up need not be a bad one. You could just resolve to be best buds or whatever... but ALL relationships end in one or the other. So why shoot for a guy I know I'd end up breaking up with because he's not what I really wanted? If I'm going to invest myself in love, I'm going to do it with someone WORTH loving. Sounds like sound logic to me. ^.^
So yeah... I spent a LOOOOT of time alone. I was ridiculed in my tiny little bible-humper town by my highschool peers as a lesbian and a witch (don't ask me) because I wasn't out partying and abusing substances like one half of my school or going to church like the other. But that was perfectly fine with me. The male genepool in podunk towns like that tends to be shallow... and a little stagnant. And I wasn't about to be pregnant and barefoot in no mobile home kitchen baking him a freakin' pie or knitting a sweater. I figured early on if I wanted any kind of decent partner, I'd have to wait until I got out of that town.... and I was right.
Either way, I suppose that's the end of my early morning rant on love and emotions. I hope if anyone reads this, they glean something vital from it. Something that'd keep them from ending up like the amoral majority of wed-ém-and-leave-éms out there. But people never appreciate something to the fullest until they have to struggle for it. A person who flicks a zippo to light their smoke will never know the thrill and accomplishment of using flint or sticks to make a tinder flame. A person who gets a brand-new car from their parents will never know the raw joy of making that final payment out of your own hard-earned paycheck to finally call that junker YOURS. I think the same can be said of marriage. You'll never know how rewarding a relationship can be until it is tested to the limits and only seems to bring you closer for the effort.
Perhaps eventually, it'll bring Caz and I closer... as long as we try.
Current Music: Maroon 5 ~ "Sunday Morning" ..... what else?
The Birth of Something Weird...
And we have a journal!! Cigars and handshakes all around. Beer for my men and Whiskey for my critters, says I. And I shall call it Schmoo and speak to it of my everyday trials and tribulations. Oh, the horrors of the ever FADed blog are now mine to witness... and CREATE!! BWAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!!!
*coughs* Erm... well, now that that is out of my system. Hello, I'm Kyohti. Read my Bio. I may also refer to myself as Dee from time to time, depending on my mood or somesuch. I never was much for journaling, so if you wish to poke about in my blog, be aware my posting will be anything but frequent. Still, I'm not much of a whine-bag and I never was into all the baby-llama-mama-drama of other bloggers out there, so I doubt I'd be very entertaining to begin with.
That said, I'm doing this as an exercise in becoming a more consistent person. And perhaps to become more aware of my thoughts and memories. I hear sometimes its theraeputic to read through and laugh at your past complaints or nice to recapture happy memories you spill into pages like this. I think I'll see for myself, no?
Regardless, this is me... in all my boring splendor. You'll get to enjoy my trials of role-playing, dieting, drawing, and dreaming. Afterall, I have some Resolutions to fail at and dammit, I'm gonna do my best!! ^_~
So for now, I believe that covers the birth of this weird little place I like to call Home Sweet Hell. For those who decide to tail me in this record of my existence... well... enjoy?
Current Music: Shawn Mullins ~ "Lullaby"